BREAKING: Drifty Flees North Basin in Dramatic Getaway

Local legend Drifty escapes after a week-long vacation at the DeMarzo-Curran abode, in what is quite possibly the most underwhelming jailbreak in Lake Maspenock history.

Our faithful emissary of floatage, Drifty, escaped from his (false) imprisonment lodged between Matt DeMarzo and Lynn Curran’s dock and some rocks in the Maspenock north basin. (Between a dock and a hard place.) This proves what we’ve always known: you can’t keep a good log down.

>> Related: Have You Met Drifty?

The Great Imprisonment

It goes back three weeks when Drifty, presumably tuckered from his nonstop tours around the lake, seemingly taking a breather, locals figured, at the DeMarzo-Curran dock. The spontaneous visit rapidly turned into a lengthy stay when Drifty got himself stuck. “At first, we thought he was just coming to pay us a visit,” Curran said. “He’s dropped by before, you know, just floating around, checking out the scene.”

But then he just… stayed. And stayed. “We started to fear that we had inadvertently become Drifty’s landlord. Should we charge rent to a stump? What’s the going rate for tree stump parking on the lake these days?

The Concerned Community

News of Drifty’s situation rapidly spread through Lake Maspenock, resulting in what historians agree is the politest hostage crisis on record in the neighborhood.

Neighbors began calling to ask if there was any news from Drifty. “How’s Drifty? Is he okay? Has he moved yet?” Curran reported. “I never imagined that I would be providing status updates about a piece of wood, but here we are.”

The Various Escape Attempt Theories

No one saw how Drifty really escaped, and so it was anyone’s guess how he did it.

The Midnight Mission Theory: Some theorize that Drifty waited until the dark of night, and perhaps with the help of some added buoyancy from recent rainfall, freed himself from his restraints.

The Wind Accomplice Theory: Another theory indicates that Drifty’s opportunity was last Thursday, when the Water was a bit choppy; it may have dislodged Drifty, thus helping him to escape.

The Patience Strategy: The prevailing explanation was that Drifty waited for calm water and wind direction to be just right, timing his escape with that of a wooden Houdini.

The Supernatural Theory: One neighbor claims that Drifty “willed himself free” with nothing more than a heaping dose of determination and wanderlust.

No matter how it happened, DeMarzo and Curran were the first to find out when they walked down to the water to check on their wooden houseguest. Demarzo shared, “Part of me was proud, like sending your kid off to college. Another part was afraid — what if he was injured while trying to escape? What if he’s floating upside down somewhere?” A neighbor chimed in, “I had a feeling he’d wait for optimal conditions. Drifty’s no amateur—he knows what he’s doing out there.”

The couple quickly alerted the authorities (neighbors) to report the breakout, setting off what one resident described as “the most wholesome Amber Alert in Maspenock history.”

The Search and Rescue (Sort of)

An informal search party formed within hours as the lake residents paddled out in their kayaks, canoes, and pontoon boats in search of their on-the-lam wood star. “It was like finding a needle in a haystack, only the needle looks like a giant tree stump, and the haystack is 234 acres of water,” said one of the volunteers. The hunt was peppered with at least two false alarms after others spotted a few other bits of floating debris on the lake.

“We were getting amped over every stick and every branch,” said one of the searchers. Three individuals reported ‘possible Drifty sightings’ that were in fact just average logs living their lives and not bothering anybody.

The Reunion

At last, Drifty was spotted Sunday afternoon in the middle of the north basin, no worse for wear from his adventure. He was drifting nonchalantly as if he had just been imprisoned for a week and made a dramatic escape with, you know, total ease. “There he was,” a first responder and local fishing enthusiast said. “Just floating around as if nothing happened. Unbruised, he’s still got that old-time Drifty swagger. If the logs could whistle, he’d have been whistling.”

The Community Reaction

The Lake Maspenock community’s reception of Drifty’s daring escape has been filled with relief, pride, and even some giggles. “I’m not going to lie, I was concerned for the guy,” said one longtime resident. “You grow attached to this piece of driftwood, you know? He’s part of the neighborhood now.”

As one resident put it, we all learned something important here. When you care about someone—even if that someone is a floating tree stump—you look out for them. That’s what community is all about. Another, more nerdy neighbor reflected, “This whole situation has been a great lesson in buoyancy, water currents, and problem-solving.”

The DeMarzo-Curran Statement

The couple released an official statement regarding their involvement in the Drifty saga:

We want everyone to know that we did not kidnap Drifty. He was always free to go — he just needed to figure out the logistics, it seemed. We’re glad he’s back out doing what he does best: befuddling geese and photobombing family portraits. Our property remains a Drifty-friendly zone. He’s welcome back anytime, though we hope his next visit is shorter and involves less community concern.

UPDATE: As this story went to press, Drifty was last spotted bobbing around past Sandy Beach, headed to the dam. Residents are now being advised to have their cameras ready. Reports are already coming in that he’s visited several docks, and he succeeded in confusing an entire family of ducks. “He seems to be making up for lost time,” observed one regular Drifty-watcher. “He’s been more active than usual, like he’s got some serious floating to catch up on.” Many folks swear that they can hear the faint sound of “Born Free” as Drifty floats by.