by Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D., Chief
Medical Officer, SoundMindz.org
In
one of my recent psychotherapy sessions one of my
very astute clients asked me to write an article on
guilt. “You know guilt must be the heart of
depression and lack of confidence, I wish you could
write down the formula that would lead to being
guilt free”. Although I don’t think that guilt is
the only variable contributing to a low mood I do
believe that excessive guilt destroys a person’s
spirit, and often leads to a constant fear of making
mistakes and displeasing other people.
The Origin of Guilt
We hopefully develop a sense of guilt as children
when we act in ways that are unkind to others, we
are reprimanded, and we realize that hurting others
causes an uncomfortable feeling within us and within
others. We are in essence becoming socialized so
that we can participate in relationships with
respect and empathy. We know that everyone is born
with the capacity for empathy and as we are exposed
to empathic interactions we can gradually place
ourselves in the experience of other people, thus
when those close to us are hurt we hurt.
We experience pain, we bang our knee or hit
our head when we fall, and we can see in the eyes of
a caring parent that they feel for us and ultimately
we learn to feel for others in the same way.
What if however, our parents hold us responsible for
their actions and we learn to feel overly
responsible for other people. Narcissistic parents
are noted for blaming their children for their
distress, and thus their children become adults who
feel overly connected to other people’s distress. As
a result they attach themselves to people who tend
to blame. Blamers attract guilty people like honey
attracts bees.
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Guilt in Relationships
Alice grew up with an alcoholic father who had
a rageful temper and he often blamed his oldest
daughter and mother for his insecurities and
vulnerabilities. On Alice’s mother dying bed she
joked that she was apparently responsible for World
War Two and Alice was apparently responsible for
Viet Nam. Of course she was kidding but Alice, who
was at the time was also married to an angry
alcoholic man, knew her mother was pained as she
wished she had made different decisions in her life.
We often attach to people who unconsciously bring us
back to our family roots and the patterns of
engagement we learned early in life.
If you were made to feel overly responsible
for others issues in life you are prone to be
involved with a blamer. Blamers need guilty people
to go along with their tirades, as those without
this vulnerably would not tolerate such behavior.
Guilt and Grandiosity
Those who have learned to be overly
responsible often believe that their actions have
profound effects on others. In fact such individuals
often confuse people with their apologies and
expressions of regret. In group sessions guilty
people will often return the following week
apologizing for comments they made that they assumed
bothered others. Consistently people are surprised,
as they don’t even remember the presumed offending
comments that produced guilt in people with this
susceptibility.
Excessive guilt engenders a troubling sense
that makes a person feel they are constantly
affecting others in significant ways. If they are
attached to blamers, those who project
responsibility onto others, they feel particularly
responsible for outcomes that are completely out of
their control. When we assume that our actions are
dominating the behavior of others, we are making
ourselves larger than life without realizing the
distorted perspective we have adopted. Guilty people
are often surprised when they are perceived as being
a bit grandiose, although believing you have such an
impact on others does point in this direction.
From Guilt to Forgiveness
So, if one is plagued by this tendency, how
can a person recover from this debilitating and
depleting dynamic? John, a new group member who
suffers from debilitating guilt, told members in his
first session how he was riddled with guilt as a
result of his connection to a young woman who worked
for him. John is married with four children, loves
his wife but found himself obsessed with his
colleague. He told this story with such obvious
guilt that fellow members thought he in fact had had
a sexual affair. Ironically he had not over-stepped
any boundary and his actions had been completely
appropriate. His guilt made this story sound as if
he already committed the crime.
Guilt prompts a person to ruminate obsessively
about one’s actions, and in John’s case he became
guilty for his thoughts as if thoughts equal
behavior. I remember the old George Carlin
story of his confusion as a young Catholic boy when
he realized after going to confession that his
penance was the same for thinking of having sex as
when his fellow classmate actually had sex.
John, like Alice, has a reservoir of guilt
that has plagued him from his childhood. He grew up
in a home where sexuality was never discussed, and
although his parents loved each other and his three
sisters they displayed little affection to each
other or their children. This young boy felt guilty
for having sexual thoughts early in life, and the
un-comfortableness continued into his adulthood.
The Path to Truth and Humility
John has only been in group therapy for six
months and already he has reduced his guilt
substantially. What happened to set him free?
John was surprised at how objective people
perceived his actions. At first he held on to his
beliefs, trying to explain how his internal voice
often held him accountable for outcomes that
realistically were not in his control. As he began
to take in alternative viewpoints his hold on his
guilt began to loosen. In order for guilt to be
reduced and reframed we must be open to the opinion
of others whom we trust. John discovered, through
group feedback that his resistance to abandon guilt
was not only caused by feeling overly responsible
but also related to a desperate attempt to gain a
feeling of security and self worth. Guilt led him to
believe in his importance to others, and he also
felt that being guilty made him practice and prepare
for interactions and outcomes. He was trying to
eliminate the uncertainty in relationships, by
planning and anticipating he came to believe he
could be assured of not making mistakes.
Of course, these constant ruminations only
worsened his sense of self as it produced a
continual state of tension and anxiety. At one point
his worry about making mistakes made him so anxious
he began developing avoidance habits that led to
fear of people and social situations. This
progression is not uncommon for guilty people as
anxiety and fear of relating poorly feeds additional
guilt and destroys a person’s confidence.
In group therapy John shared his dysfunctional
way of thinking and in the process he became more
and more aware of how irrational his conditioned way
of thinking had become.
Self-awareness is the first step in growth and
particularly in easing a guilt-oriented conscience.
In order to change, however, we need to put our
newfound insights into action. John had to test his
newly acquired insights by setting limits with
people, holding them accountable for their behavior
without trying to appease or rescue them. This
step can be frightening, as we have to tolerate the
disapproval of others who refuse, are unwilling, or
incapable of understanding rational thought.
The support of understanding people is
critical as a person steps forward and tries to
establish a new way of relating, thus the value of
clear-minded friends and group psychotherapy. With
the proper support and empathy of those close to us,
we are able to forgive ourselves for not solving the
woes of the world, and most importantly for not
being able to change the personalities of those in
our own families. Forgiveness is key to changing our
inner voice that so easily took on more than any
human being should. Forgiveness breeds humility and
the desire to see the truth, leaving behind our
story that was created with the biases and
misunderstandings from our early world.
Research has confirmed that human beings are fairly
accurate in our perceptions of others. Our
self-perceptions are significantly biased and need
to be transformed with the help of other trusted
individuals who are fervently committed to seeking
the truth in themselves and others. We must accept
that our unique self-voice is biased, and unless we
open the door to our hearts and let others in we
cannot re-arrange distortions and arrive at an
accurate self-assessment. Whether we need to
be free of unwarranted guilt or biased
self-criticism or over-inflation of our abilities,
without the help of others we remain within the
subjective walls of our inner world.
Note: Arthur Ciaramicoli is a
Hopkinton resident
